The electronic revolution

Just as men and women must go through the teen rights of passage to reach adulthood, it follows that we have many smaller but important maturity milestones in our lives.

Though a 21 year old would like to think being able to drink legally (rarely responsibly) is a right of passage, I can say that barfing on your best friends shoes at 2 am the night of your birthday is NOT a milestone.

Being able to buy a car/rent an apartment without a co-signer...milestone.

The first time you stay home on a Friday night b/c there's a show on you want to watch...that is a milestone.

Going to a wedding/birthday/graduation and buying your own gift for the person, b/c you can no longer crowd in under your parents gift, coloring your first gray hair, telling a man you really like to shove it when he really deserves to shove it and not CARING if he cares...those are milestones.

I have finally reached another milestone that I've longed to reach.

Deleting email forwards without reading them.

I am the person who has to read every single comic in the comics section b/c I somehow feel dreadfully guilty that Mary Worth might feel left out. The worst part of this is that I'm not even kidding for comic effect. I really am that messed up.

So you can imagine the feelings of shame I feel if I don't read someones email Even when it's got 20 "fwd:fwd:fwd...." in the subject line...even when it's clearly one I've read before. What if this time Cracker Barrell really is going to send me a coupon? What if that little(now 60) dying boy is thiiis close to reaching his goal. Maybe this time my head won't pop off when I read this forwarded prayer, with the animated flying dove clipart, asking the lord to grant that little Narad is forced to pray en masse to Jesus during Math class that his Govt. teacher go straight to hell for teaching the Bill of Rights. If I delete it, I just might miss that opportunity to go psycho on someones ass for sending me a forward knowing I'm in complete disagreement to start with. (Boy has the internet made passive aggressiveness so much more efficient. How lucky we are to live in a world where you can be pissed off instantly by people living 500 miles away, and all without long distance or postal charges. )

On top of that, I spent years thinking that maybe in THIS forward, they will have first typed a message actually TO me. Can you imagine that? Personalizing an email? How naive I have been that they might actually be interested in me as a person, *Tch, tch*

But now, I'm finding that I can do it....click, delete. No shame! (just a little pinch).

I am willing to suspend my policies for a small few persons, who like me, show discretion when forwarding items to people. Imagine taking into consideration a persons personality and interest before sending them a forward. Imagine thinking specifically of each person one by one, rather then clicking a group list of people who WILL share your same interests by God. Some of us actually do this. It's not just an urban myth you know.

Because of that, I also have my worst offenders list. These people are gifted with an automatic delete function, and I suffer little remorse for it. It's easier to do when you realize you have received 52+ emails from them this year, and not one of them was addressed solely to you.

I feel liberated and free by taking back my email from them. No longer will I be enslaved by their electronic tyranny. Come people, join me on the path to Salvation.

Next step: Christmas cards...merry missive or cultish chain letter ritual?