I want a do-over

This was a day to top even the day of the "Great Target Button Blow Out"...which is a whole other story for another time.

Yesterday morning I woke up to go to class. I said to Chad "you know, I'm not sure I need to go to class today. We just have a review." But, I decided to go b/c I am a great rule follower.

Stupid, stupid stupid.

Icky drizzly rainy day: First, I slid 10 feet in my car b/c some Vaca stopped short for no reason. You know those instances as you're sliding along, time slows waaaaaay down and you're thinking "oh well, not much I can do about it now, best to just ride it out..dooh da dooh, did I remember to turn the house alarm on?" Brakes catch just shy of her bumper....and it's at that moment that I think it's God's plan that NOW the adrenaline really hits, making your legs absolute jelly, b/c otherwise you'd put your car in park, jump out and beat the hairspray off this woman.

Stop to get a Cafe Mocha...mind you I've never done this on the way to school, I figure it's my treat.

Aaaahhahahaha.

Feeling pretty good, have a brand new sweater on today. No one's ever seen me in it. Pretty little light green thing, which I took a chance and chose over the black one. Figured it was time I got some color in my wardrobe.

Aaaahahahahaha.

So as I'm walking from the car to the front door, I'm juggling coffee, muffin, keys, book bag and an umbrella. This is when physics takes a holiday. Just as I'm almost to the door, a gust of wind SOMEHOW goes inside the little hole in the coffee lid, creates a cyclonic effect and SPEWS 1/4 a cup of cafe mocha back out and ALLLLL OVER my breastesses...of my new beautiful green..not black..sweater.

As I'm immobile with disbelief, another gust of wind turns my umbrella inside out and carries away my muffin bag.

I'm standing here in the rain, muffinless, staring down at my besmirched boobs. Young perky bottomed students pass me snickering.

I go upstairs...literally in a manic state of half rage, half tears. I see my friend in class who takes one look at me and...laughs.

Oh my friend, you are in the belly of the beast now.

She says "What'd you do, spit on yourself?" I don't know whether to smack her or just..ok, well the other option is still smack her. I say "yes, I spit on myself. I have suddenly taken up chewin' tobacco and I haven't quite learned how to clear my own body radius."

As I'm sitting in the class, feeling a little better, I've forgotten that aside from whatever point God was trying to make about carbs and, errr, umbrellas...I am also my own worst enemy. I'm drinking what is left of my precious Cafe Mocha, which is amazingly still rather warm. I fasten my lips on that tiny little treacherous sippy hole and blow.

Did you know that there is another tiny tiny little hole on the opposite side of the sippy hole? (Engineering, a whole suckage thing I don't really understand.) Coffee blows out of this hole and splatters my forehead.

I give up...ok, I give up. I get the message.

Yes, later...actually not very later I was able to laugh about it. I even go shopping with my classmate and her friend as I have a dress I need to buy. You should keep in mind that "The Classmates Friend", I have only met once and that was for 10 minutes.

My store of choice has NOTHING. I mean everything I try on is horrendous..and I tried on EVERYTHING. They're all wrap shirts and flutter skirts. These are on my top 10 list of things that make me look like a pregnant elephant..year two of gestation.

After all the twisting, discarding, heaving (and that's just one bra), I'm sweaty, discouraged, feeling insecure about me in general (isn't shopping supposed to be cathartic?). I have said NOTHING about my body though, mind you. As I'm standing in another monstrosity, feeling dourish, death wish "Classmates Friend," who doesn't know me from her psychiatrists couch, says "well you said the wedding is in three weeks? You still have time to lose weight before then!"

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

Serenity now, serenity now....