Dirty Dirty

I sit here waiting for someone to come and put dirt on my backyard.

There is already dirt on my backyard of course, there is just not enough dirt to suit me.

Really, this makes sense if you own a home. People really do pay someone to bring them dirt. And then if they're really doing well, they pay someone else to remove dirt. Which we are not, so we settle for being dirtied.

(It's like the irony that someone pays to have fat removed from their ass, and conversely pays to have fat put into their lips. Wouldn't it be easier to just have someone squeeze you REALLY hard from the bottom up? Invest in a sturdy python perhaps?)

Then later, b/c we're really sadists, we're paying someone to bring us grass.

You probably ask...but don't you GROW grass? Why would you ORDER grass? Isn't it the very principle of home ownership that you get to put on khaki pants and some terribly ugly puffy knee things while you toil away happily at your soil?

It's b/c people are lazy lazy lazy, and literally too impatient to sit and watch the grass grow.

And there are spiders in there. And...things that suspiciously look like Los Alamos rejects. I don't care if I'm 20 kajillion times their size, they've got more legs then me. And that, my friend, means it's every woman for herself.

BUT, if you really want to see a sign of the times, we ordered our grass online. This speaks for itself...I cannot add to this.

And to really know how twisted things are...we need dirt b/c we want to make sure our lawn is positioned so that water does not sit around our foundation. Because water sitting around a foundation is very bad, and can cause the ground to swell and crack said foundation.

BUT, if you DON'T get water around your foundation, it can recede and...crack your foundation.

@#$@#

This is the eating paradox all over again. You have to eat to live, but you better not eat too much lest you enjoy it...sorry, mispoke, I of course meant lest your rear-end puff up and throw off the earths rotation (which really explains why these days I can't stand still without losing my balance.)

And as I still sit here, I want you to know that the dirt is LATE. If this lack of service continues I may just have to go soil myself.